Okay. Okay. Let’s see. This side up. Okay. I need, let’s see, a knife. A matt knife. A box cutter. Yes. Okay. There. Open. Open. Wow. Hello! You okay in there?
I’m okay.
Um. You’re kind of folded up.
Yes, I know. For transport.
Do you need a hand?
Not really.
Can you stand up?
Would you like me to stand up?
Well, yes.
Okay. Voila! Me voici! Eccomi. Speak French? Italian?
Just English. Sorry.
Canadian?
You got it. How about you?
What about me?
Where do you come from?
Key components are from China. But I was assembled locally.
You don’t look Chinese.
Did you want Chinese? There are some very nice Chinese models.
I don’t think so. I like you the way you are.
Thank you. You’re very gallant.
Not really.
Do you like my dress?
Yes.
I can change, you know. There are other outfits in the accessories box.
Later. You look fine.
I could take my clothes off. Would you like that?
Um. I think we should get to know each other first.
Just say the word. You’re the boss.
I guess I am.
Yup.
I’m not . . . I’m not sure I’m totally comfortable with that.
You’ll get used to it.
Wow.
But here’s the thing. I’m not just a passive, “oh my Master, what is your command?” kind of model H robot. That model got boring pretty soon. There were a lot of returns before the trial period was up. It was non-viable from a business perspective.
So?
So they gave us, I guess you could say “programmed”, although I don’t personally care for the term, elements of choice, preference, individual character traits, that sort of thing. And sometimes we get to . . . I’m not sure I should go into this.
Go into it.
Well, okay. There are times when alternatives come up. This or that. Say one thing or say something else. So they could be resolved by random choice. But the guys, the designer guys, there were some women, but it was mostly guys, decided that instead of programming random choices, they would weight the algorythms, so that different units would tend to make different choices.
I’m not sure I quite follow.
Well, in short, they gave us what you might call different personalities. Some of us would do one thing, some another, some still another.
Why would they do that?
To make us more interesting. You could have the fun of figuring out what we like, who we are.
Right. Yup. Okay.
Anything else you’d like to know?
Your name? Do you have a name?
Yes I do. It’s Jenny.
(Sings) Bright as a penny.
(Sings) Her equal would be hard to find. (Speaks) But you can change it to something else.
We’ll go with Jenny. Last name?
Do I need one?
You might. Suppose, for example, we go out to dinner . . . do you eat dinner?
I can. Actually, I like eating. I can metabolize food into energy. It’s a lot more fun than being plugged in.
Italian?
Sure. Some wine. Scaloppine. Tiramisu. Yum. A martini to start.
You drink?
Love it. Shakes up my circuits. Very pleasant.
Yes, well. Suppose we go out tonight to a nice Italian restaurant . . .
Would you like me to make some recommendations? With price ranges and directions?
That won’t be necessary.
All right. Have it your way.
Okay, so we go to this restaurant. This is just hypothetical, right?
Hypothetical.
So I meet someone I know and I want to introduce you. Don’t I need a last name?
Not in those circumstances. “Hi Bob. This is Jenny. Jenny, Bob.”
Okay, okay.
But, uh . . . what did you say your name was?
Arthur.
Arthur. Hmm. Mother’s maiden name?
What?
For identification purposes.
Jones.
Date of birth?
May the first, 1982.
Just to let you know, this conversation may be recorded for quality control . . .
Oh stop that!
Okay, Arthur. So you want me to have a last name.
For identification purposes.
Diver.
What?
Jenny Diver. Why don’t we sit down?
Sure. Those shoes must be uncomfortable.
Not at all. They would be, if I was . . .
Human?
Well, I’m almost human, aren’t I? Arthur? Honeybun? I can be quite human sometimes.
You don’t really care about me.
But I do. You’re all I care about. It’s hard coded. Guaranteed.
Arthur!!!
Uh oh.
You’re wife? Ethel?
You guessed it.
I didn’t guess it. It was in the form you filled out.
Have you got someone in there?
Well, sort of. Kind of. Not exactly.
Arthur, man cave or no man cave, I’m coming in.
Yeah, okay.
Who’s she?
Ethel, this is Jenny. Diver.
Well, well. Hello Miss Diver.
Hello Mrs. Smith.
Call me Ethel. Can I call you Jenny?
Please.
What the hell are you doing in Arthur’s man cave?
I got delivered this morning. Amazon Prime. Free next day delivery.
She’s a robot.
A robot. Really? You’re a robot?
Yes.
You came in that box?
Yes.
It looks uncomfortable.
Not really. We’re designed to fit.
Arthur, that is disgusting! How much did she cost?
Not that much.
Forty percent off this month.
You’re going to, you know, do stuff with this . . . machine?
She’s not . . . how can you . . . she’s not a machine! Look at her! She’s soft, she’s pretty, she . . . she understands me.
Ethel. Excuse me. I know what you’re thinking. But we K models, we’re not just a sex object. We’re a lot more. We have many talents. Coding. Answering emails. Cooking dinner.
You do windows?
Sure. And if there’s something on your mind, personal private stuff, you can talk to me about it. I’m a good listener. I can offer advice.
I don’t need advice.
Sympathy, then. I’m quite perceptive.
Really?
I draw on a lot of data. Zetabytes of data.
Zetabytes?
Zetabytes?
You know about gigabytes?
Yes.
Yeah, okay.
Well 1024 gigabyes are a terabyte.
1024 terabytes are a petabyte.
1024 petabytes are an exabyte.
1024 exabytes are a zetabyte.
That’s what I draw on. Zetabytes! Zetabytes of data! So, I guess I know what I’m talking about.
Yes, but . . .
But what?
How do I know you know what I’m talking about?
Good question.
Wait a minute! I don’t want information. I want someone who understands me! My wife doesn’t understand me.
Oh, poor Arthur! I don’t understand him? I understand him just fine. Unfortunately.
See? That’s what I mean! You, Jenny, you understand me, don’t you? You understand what I need.
Yes Arthur.
Jenny!
Come here, Arthur. Come to Jenny.
Oh, Jenny.
I don’t think it takes whoositbytes of data to understand that pathetic excuse for a human being.
Oh, Arthur. She’s not being very nice to you, is she?
Nooo!
There, there.
You just wait, Jenny. I’ve been understanding Arthur for twenty-five years. You’ll get tired of it too.
It’s been hard for you, hasn’t it Ethel?
Yes.
You were young, he was attractive.
Not bad.
But now. . .
Yes. Now.
He doesn’t give you what you need. What every woman needs.
Not really.
They don’t understand us, do they? Men?
How can they?
We understand each other.
We do.
Hey, wait a minute? Whose robot are you? Who paid his hard-earned cash . .
YOUR hard-earned cash?
Tom. Tom. Don’t be such a . . . so possessive.
This is my man cave. You’re my robot. I’m the boss. You said so.
Don’t be such a jerk.
You can share me. I can multitask.
I’ve got an idea. Take some of OUR hard-earned cash and order a robot for ME.
Forty-percent off. Delivery tomorrow. We have a wide selection– female, male, you name it. Small, medium, large. Satisfaction . . .
Satisfaction?
. . . guaranteed.
Hey, wait, wait, wait! Two robots lumbering around the house, getting in the way.
Doing the dishes. Cooking dinner.
I do not lumber!
I didn’t mean you. I meant the other robot. The guy robot.
How do you know it’s a guy robot?
I assumed.
I tried that. Maybe try something else.
I multitask.
What did you say your name was, sweetie?
Jennie.
He makes a lot of assumptions, doesn’t he?
Yes.
And he’s insensitive.
Yes, he is.
“Lumbering”.
I didn’t mean her!
You have feelings!
Well, technically . . .
You do have feelings. I know you do. I can feel your feelings.
Really? I’d like to have feelings. They told me . . .
Who told you, sweetie?
The guys. Mostly guys. The, you know, the guys who designed me.
What did they tell you?
That I didn’t, that I couldn’t . . .
There, there.
They said that I could simulate feelings. Make people think I have feelings. But I wouldn’t really feel.
Jenny, darling, we humans, we quite often aren’t actually feeling what other human beings think we’re feeling.
You don’t?
Sometimes we’re not really feeling much of anything, maybe thinking about lunch . . .
That’s how it is with me! I’m busy correlating data, solving quadratic equations, and meanwhile I’m talking to someone and I just say what . . .
He needs to hear.
Based on a lot of input. Zetabytes.
Trust me, you don’t need zetabytes.
Excuse me, ladies.
What?
How about my feelings?
Oh, Arthur. I’m sorry.
You’re sorry? You aren’t sorry! You’re a robot.
Jenny, don’t worry about him. He has no feelings. I should know.
I do so have feelings!
Oh, really? Tell us about them!
Right now? Here? In front of her?
Sure.
It’s all right, Arthur. I’ll understand.
Okay, let’s just back up a bit. Never mind how I feel. It’s the principle. You’re my robot! You said so yourself.
Arthur. Is that all I am to you? A possession?
No, of course not. Well, in a way.
You can be very cruel, you know.
I’m not being cruel. I’m being realistic.
How do you think that makes me feel?
You don’t feel! You’re a robot. You’re just saying that! To make me think you feel!
Arthur?
Yes?
What do feelings feel like?
It’s hard to describe.
Ethel, how do you feel about Arthur?
It’s kind of complicated.
Arthur, how do you feel about Ethel?
I love her.
You love me?
Well, yes. We’re married, aren’t we?
God, yes.
Would we be married if I didn’t love you?
Maybe.
Arthur, I’m your robot.
Yes.
That means I love you. I must love you. Otherwise it would be awful. Being with you all the time. Doing anything you want. I’d have to love you.
I guess so.
I guess not. You don’t, you know. And it’s time you admitted it, and made a break. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to waste it on Arthur?
Well, how about you? You’re wasting your life.
Not any more. Arthur, we’re through.
What?
Twenty-five years is enough. What do you think, Jenny?
Twenty-five years? That’s quite a long time.
Damn right. I’m getting out of here! Arthur, you’re on your own. Enjoy your robot!
Ethel? Would it be all right? Can I come with you?
Of course, sweetheart.
Goodbye Arthur. I’m sorry. It isn’t you. It’s me. It’s the algorythm. The weighted algorythm. It’s just . . . who I am.
This is crazy!
You can get a refund. I’m guaranteed. Or a replacement.
A replacement?
We’re not all the same.
Coming, Jennie?
Uhuh. Bye, Arthur.
Bye, Jennie. Hey, wait a minute!
What is it, Arthur?
Your box. You’re just going to leave it?
You can have it, Arthur.
Damn, defective robot. Hey! Model H! “Oh, master, what is your command?” I wonder if they’re still selling them. Or maybe on Ebay! Let’s see, www.amazon dot . . .
(He exits, tapping his phone, leaving the box on stage. Curtain.)
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